Humanity Was Delicious

Well, it was. Sorry.

I should probably start at the beginning. On second thought, I don’t think we have enough time for that. Ok, here’s what you need to know. A group of independent science fiction/fantasy authors came together on the Goodreads website to produce an anthology of short stories. They called their creation, Wyrd Worlds and then someone ate all of the bacon. A few months ago, a strange fog descended over the group and they decided to fry up more bacon and write a sequel. Well, some of them focused on the bacon. In a flash of creative genius, they named the second anthology, Wyrd Worlds II.

Here’s where the carnage comes in. I was minding my own business, writing about a farmer who confronts aliens, when another story crawled out of my subconscious mind. It demanded to be written. More accurately, it described how I might taste if I declined. It turns out, I’d have a hickory smoked bacon flavor. After careful consideration, I decided that the original story could be postponed. Instead, I found myself writing the story of the werewolf who ate the last human on Earth. It would have been easier without a lycanthrope trying to read over my shoulder. The warm breath behind my ear didn’t help my concentration.

Anyway, I contributed Humanity Was Delicious to the Wyrd Worlds II anthology primarily out of self-interest and the desire to avoid hearing the details of more recipes. For the record, if any exceptionally furry person ever offers you a scoop of ice cream filled with liver slivers, you are at the wrong ice cream truck.

Wyrd Worlds II is available now on the Smashwords web site for free. It’s an excellent opportunity to discover new authors and fantastic tales. Within the next few days and weeks, Wyrd Worlds II will be available for free on other eBook sites as well. If you haven’t yet had the opportunity to enjoy last year’s collection, Wyrd Worlds is also free on all the normal eBook sites.

For those who download and read these books, I’d love to hear your feedback. Oh, and there’s a certain werewolf who would appreciate it if we would all eat a lot more bacon. I’m already on it.

Wyrd Worlds II is available at: iBookstore Scribd Smashwords Txtr

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Time Spiders

Einstein meant to include this in his Theory of Relativity. He had it all worked out. He spent countless hours diagramming the complex physics and simplifying the concepts for ordinary mortals. Unfortunately, someone cleaned his chalkboard and the proof vanished into chalkdust. Some reports say that when he walked in and saw the bare chalkboard, he had a screaming fit, scribbled, E = mc2, and yelled, “Fine! This is close enough!”

What he meant to say was that time also slows as one approaches a spider web. Oh, you may not notice the effect with those wispy thin cobwebs. On the other hand, test subjects have reported a substantial time dilation effect when walking face first into massive, sticky, high tension webs. To an outside observer, the subject’s hysterical flailing (usually accompanied by a high pitched squeal of terror) appears to move very quickly. In many cases, the event may be documented and posted on the Internet before the subject’s breathing has returned to normal. From inside the web, however, the experience is somewhat different. The extent of the time dilation varies depending on the amount of web that ends up in the test subject’s nasal cavities.

There’s a very simple reason for this phenomenon. Spiders are Time’s minions. Time can’t be expected to do everything herself, you know. To save time, she’s outsourced some of the menial tasks to arachnids. “Why does it have to be spiders,” you ask? I’d like to say that the answer is philosophically profound or meaningful. The fact is that they also are uniquely talented as back-scratchers.

You know how much you love a good back-scratch? Yeah. Just imagine having hundreds or even thousands of tiny spiders crawling all over and scritching away…

You’re welcome.