Duh Matter

It’s not often that I venture into solving physics problems. Well, it’s rather rare. To be more specific, this would be the first time. Many physicists would argue that it still has not happened. Some who support multi-universal theories may disagree and say that if I have actually solved this issue, the universe that contained that possibility would break off from the multiverse, fold in upon itself until it could be expressed in zero dimensions, and hide in shame. I appreciate their support.

Here’s the issue. Physicists will argue themselves silly over the proof (or lack thereof) of Dark Matter. You see, dark matter is a theoretical “thing” that is inferred by observations of this undetectable mass’ gravitational effects on recognizable things like visible matter, radiation, and the universe itself. Some cosmologists theorize that dark matter plus dark energy comprise more than 95% of the total content of the universe. (Critics say that this is what happens when scientists take practical jokes too far.) Theories about dark matter and dark energy arose based upon observations of something that could not be observed directly. Instead, we have observed how top scientists from around the world have beaten their extremely impressive brains against the very fabric of the universe (which they would say may be approximately 95% dark matter/energy) in an attempt to observe the effects of the thing that cannot be observed.

In their attempt to peer into the furthest reaches of the universe for the answer, they forgot to look right here. No, I mean here on Earth. You know how you feel when you search everywhere and finally ask for help to find your glasses and then you find them on your head? It’s a bit like that.

So, here’s where I think they went wrong. They forgot to factor into their calculations the impact of humanity on the universe. I call this impact, “Duh Matter.” According to my observations, individual human beings give off massive amounts of Duh Energy. When humans congregate in large numbers, the output of duh energy increases exponentially. Some Bubbas speculate that duh energy would need to have a strong negative pressure in order to explain why the rest of the universe is so anxious to get away. Duh matter, on the other hand, is an attractive force with a strong positive pressure. This would explain why certain pastimes enjoy such popularity. As large numbers of humans gather to enjoy this brainless fare, massive amounts of matter are converted to duh energy, thereby forcing the universe to expand out of a sense of self-preservation and self-respect. The combination of duh energy and duh matter produce the observable gravitational effects which used to be attributed to dark matter.

I know. It’s a little embarrassing. I mean, it was so obvious. I’m sure that someone else would have figured it out eventually. If I didn’t know better, I might think that claims by certain scientists that my theory clearly demonstrates the power of “Duh” may not be an endorsement.


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