Shaved Bunny Surprise

Well, it surprised the bunnies.

I should back up a bit. There’s weather outside. There’s all types of weather, but in July, in the Northern Hemisphere, people are driven by a highly illogical and ultimately self-destructive instinct to go out in it. Convinced that this will be fun, they bake themselves to a crispy texture and then retreat into the safety of the indoors.

I know what you’re thinking, but I disagree. There’s no way the Phelogs of Kragnos 5 would have worn hats made from live ducks. They don’t have heads.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Heads. Humans have them. In fact, human heads are filled with squishy stuff that loves to imagine things. Some people enjoy doing something with their brains in the summer other than attempting to calculate just how much lake water they can drink while being dragged behind a boat at 45 mph. Some enjoy reading. Well, they enjoy reading and glancing up occasionally to chuckle at those who are being dragged around the lake.

You’re probably thinking right now about a huge platter of chili cheese fries, aren’t you. Hey! Stay with me now. Let’s try to stay on topic, okay?

So, people in July… You’re a person, right? Then, you would know. You’d like to have some actual fun while you’re having “fun” this summer. Even if you’re the sort of person who enjoys going out there and turning over only when one side starts to bubble, you’d like to have something better to do while moaning and begging your cousin not to slap your back again. That’s where the bunnies come in.

Why are you giving me that look?

Yes, bunnies. Before you ask, I probably should have thought that through a bit more, but we’ll get to that in a moment. Right now, we’re talking about fun. No, I don’t mean the kind where you brush a half pound of sand off of your sandwich or the kind where you realize that picnics and army ants are quantum entangled. I’m talking about reading. It’s the sort of fun for your brain that doesn’t involve seeing how many layers of skin you can lose before passing out. It’s actual fun. The only thing that’s not fun about it is the fact that you might run out of books to read.

I know. I get it. You’re probably wondering what this has to do with the theory of Quantum Chromodynamics, aren’t you?  That’s exactly the sort of distraction that caused the problem with the bunnies in the first place.

Hang on… That’s right. Bunnies. BundleRabbit (https://bundlerabbit.com/) has your summer fun solution. Now, I know what you’re thinking so let me just say that it’s important to keep reading before going out into the backyard with some duct tape and chasing wild rabbits. If it’s too late and you’ve already taken certain steps, you’re probably also thinking that you don’t want the tape to pull the hair off of your hares, but let me just say that attempting to shave them first will not end well.

Assuming that it’s not too late and you’re arms, face and chest are not wrapped in bandages, let’ me explain. This summer, starting today, in fact, the Sci-Fi July Fever Fun bundle is available at all of the best eBook sites including Amazon, Kobo, Barnes and Noble, and iTunes. This bundle includes 11 full length novels for only $9.99 USD. I know. Even the bunnies’ mouths are gaping. Featuring books by Dean Wesley Smith, Russ Crossley, Rebecca M. Senese, Blaze Ward, Tracy Cooper-Posey, Steph Bennion, Michael Warren Lucas, Rebecca S. W. Bates, Barbara G. Tarn, Robert Jeschonek and Ubiquitous Bubba, this bundle is infinitely more fun than an actual bundle of rabbits.

You can view the book trailer here. https://vimeo.com/221944374.

On an unrelated note, if you pictured me splashing a little after shave on a bunny and lightly smacking its paws against its cheeks a la Home Alone, you should be ashamed of yourself. You’re thinking of it right now, aren’t you?

I don’t know how those thoughts get into your head.

Sweet Serial

Serials. They’re not just for breakfast anymore.  I’m experimenting with a different technique in writing my current novella.  I’m taking it serially.  Instead of waiting until the whole thing is done before releasing it, I’m writing and releasing each scene as I go. I’ve been posting additional scenes on Wattpad for Deeply Disturbed Donuts.  I just released the fifth scene today.

I’m enjoying this because I feel like there’s an immediate sense of accomplishment with each scene.  As one is finished, it is out there, vulnerable and twitching on the Internet. I like the idea that a reader can follow a story in real time as each scene is uploaded.

Sweet.

Deeply Disturbed Donuts

Sugar is the least of your concerns with these donuts. They’re not natural. They do strange and unpleasant things to people. Everything about the donut shop screams, “Do Not Enter!” Urban legends whisper unbelievable stories of bizarre accidents caused by these donuts. Some say that the people who eat them may never return to normal. Very few have ever dared to enter the shop. Legends say that even fewer have returned. Even more terrifying, however, are the descriptions of the owner, a dark and mysterious woman known only as, “Chaos.”

Deeply Disturbed Donuts is a novella that I’m writing. I’ve uploaded the first part to Wattpad.com for those who are eager for an early taste. I am not responsible for any unexpected side effects you may experience. You’ve been warned.

If you are the sort whose curiosity gets the better of you, I have one piece of very important advice. Whatever you do, do not eat the donut with the furry purple frosting. I think that’s probably a good rule of thumb in general.

Artificial Preview

For those who like to snag an early glimpse, I’m posting a draft of the Prologue to the third book in The Other Universes series, Artificial Stupidity. For the rest of you, I thought you might appreciate the warning.

I’ve just started work on the book, so I can’t provide many details. I can, however, offer a sneak peak that explains the title. If you are one of those people who either can’t wait, have an unhealthy amount of curiosity, or just like to click links, I’ve posted the Prologue on Wattpad.

This book will bring the major storylines to a close, completing what began in Reality Challenged and Blithering Genius. I hope to see some of the characters again as they spin off from this trilogy.

If you care to do so, I would love to hear your thoughts on the Prologue, characters, or things you’d like to see happen in this book. Who knows? You might get your wish.

Facial Deforestation

It wasn’t Global Warming, the Ozone layer, or the fear of another shark/weather related movie. Now that the work crews have left, the trucks have hauled away the debris, and the dust has settled, it’s time to face reality. I shaved off my beard.

You might want to sit down. I’ll give you a moment. Here, I have a bowl of Cheetos and raisins for you. Feeling better?

It wasn’t hot, itchy or telepathic. Well, it might have been, but it didn’t talk to me. It was, however, multi-colored, forged out of rusty nails, and it attracted Blue-Fanged Skerlags from Mutiloid 3. Well, it probably would have if they weren’t so far away and in the midst of a zombie flea outbreak. I tried lectures, time outs, and even beard conditioner, but it just ignored me and controlled the neighbors. I’m not sure about that last part since I’m not all that neighborly.

No matter how I trimmed it, the beard never looked good. It had all the flexibility and comfort of spiked steel rebar. It twisted in nonsensical directions for no discernible reason. The gray, brown and black striping made me look like Skunkman. While, I’ll admit, that sounds a bit intriguing, it wasn’t as cool as you might think.

I really tried to make this thing work. I took it out in public on walks. Well, I drove, but it could have walked if it had wanted to do so. With great patience, I waited for it mature, hoping for a day when we could enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship. At first, I tolerated its annoying tendency to grab food, but its insatiable hunger and selfish cheese poaching became too much to bear.

Finally, I accepted the fact that this could only end one way. One of us would have to shave off the other. Since I would prefer to be the shaver rather than the shavee, I hacked it off early in the morning, before it had a chance to steal some of my coffee. It didn’t go quietly. The street in front of my house filled with neighbors holding pitchforks and torches. Well, it might have. I didn’t look outside. Anyway, I ignored the threats, pleading, and transmissions to Mutiloid 3. With a final flick of the razor, the deed was done. Afterwards, it was a tad disconcerting when the beard leapt up, raced outside, and shouted, “Free at last!” Well, it might have. I was busy enjoying some coffee, so I missed it.

I won’t miss the beard, even though I liked the idea of the beard. I guess I’ll never be able to grow it out enough to do a comb-over or tie it in a bow on top of my head. I suppose those are looks I’ll just have to imagine for now. I suspect a character will soon venture forth in one of my stories with just such a beard.

I hope my actual beard doesn’t come after me for copyright infringement. I’ll put in a call to Mutiloid 3 just in case they need directions.

IMG_0700

Deforested Bubba

Bubba Bits

They’re not all the same. Some are crunchy and have that, “I probably shouldn’t have done that,” flavor. Others may be wiggly and squishy and have tendency to slide all around in disconcerting ways. Every now and then, you end up with one that’s got a smokey, mesquite flavor

I just posted the first scene from a short story / novella that is currently being fried on the stove. It’s still hot, so don’t burn yourself. I put it on Wattpad so you can have a taste. http://www.wattpad.com/story/69089976

This story follows Boomer and his new (albeit less than thrilled) companion, Katy Lynn. There are crop circles, a missing truck, whispered tales of alien abductions, a mysterious disappearance, and a deep dislike of foolishness. Something strange happened more than 30 years earlier and Boomer hasn’t been the same. Working his ranch and patiently waiting for an unlikely return, Boomer never left the prairie until now. The search for his truck may force him to do the unthinkable. He may have to leave his old life behind.

Okay, I said it was hot, so don’t look at me like that. Here. Drink some iced tea. Yes, I’m going to make more, just hold your horses. When your mouth has cooled off, you can try it again. I’ll let you know when there’s more. Go on, now. Don’t make a pig of yourself.

A Profound Nonsense of Relief

Time has come. You can probably hear the bells on her hat. Now that she’s here, I feel a profound nonsense of relief. It’s April Fool’s Day and that can only mean one thing. Well, I suppose it can mean other things as well, but it primarily means only one thing. Blithering Genius, the second book of The Other Universes series, has been released.

No, it’s not an April Fool’s joke. It actually exists. The jingly hat on your head may or may not be virtual, but the book is real. It comes in three versions, eBook, paperback, and mental. Here’s a picture of the first two.

Covers

The mental version is installed as you read one of the other two versions. Think of it as the electronic copy of a movie you have on a disc. It’s actually nothing like that, but think of it anyway. Anyway, the great thing about the mental version is that the characters tend to leave the confines of the book and make themselves at home in your brain. They lose the remote, eat snacks, and nestle into remote corners for naps at odd times. They hang out with characters from other books, jump out and scare your nightmares, and tickle the inside of your skull. Sure, sometimes they’ll wake you up in the middle of the night by playing too loudly with your subconscious, but they apologize and quiet down again. Of course, then you’ll wonder what trouble they’re getting into, lurking around in the darkness beneath your conscious awareness, and you’ll turn on all of your mental lights and climb up on the furniture just to be safe.

At least, that’s the way they act in my copy. Your experience may differ. Just a moment. Time is flipping over her hourglass and the skulls inside are miming walking downstairs. I think that means that I need to wrap this up.

Blithering Genius was a great deal of fun to write and I am excited to be able to share it with you at last. The book is available at all of the usual eBook retailers, along with a pair of short stories and the first book in this series, Reality Challenged. Book 3 is being planned now, along with a group of short stories. There’s a lot more to come.

Here are some links to some of the sites where you can find Blithering Genius.

Amazon USA Smashwords iBookstore Barnes and Noble Kobo

(The Author is not responsible for any damage to a reader’s mental structure, concepts, furniture, plant life, pets, fears, hopes, ideas, or snacks caused by imaginary characters in the reader’s brain.)

4-Dimensional Bubba Book

Not content to exist in only three dimensions, the paperback version of Blithering Genius jumped back in time. I think a certain fish was involved. Anyway, for those who prefer their blithering in a tangible, physical form, the paperback book is available a few days before its electronic counterpart. How is that possible? Well, the process involved a great deal of cheese. I remember a lot of electricity, high tech wizardry, and switch flipping, but I was distracted by the cheese. It was thick, creamy, and melty without being runny or charred. It had a slightly smokey flavor and just a hint of bacon. It was the sort of cheese that makes you wish your cheeks were larger so you could stuff more in your mouth at one time.

Where was I? Oh, yes. The printed version of the book. Even though the eBook is not available until April Fool’s Day, the paperback edition couldn’t wait and sprang into existence a little early. I know. I tried to say something about the laws of physics, the stability of the universe, and the linear perception of time, but my mouth was full.

I understand that some people enjoy their virtual reality expressed in a non-virtual, bug whacking format. I’m not endorsing insect brutality, you understand, but the thwacking functionality was incorporated to suit the needs of a certain segment of the bug whacking community. This book comes with a certain beefy thud sound that precedes the statement, “Dude, I thought that was a bug on the back of your head.”

I may have wandered off-topic. Anyway, the paperback edition is available now at Amazon and CreateSpace for anyone who wants to defy the laws of physics and get their copy early. If you do, I suggest enjoying it with copious amounts of melty cheese, especially if it is served on a burger with a dangerously excessive volume of bacon. I’m talking about the thick cut hickory smoked crispy bacon. I know some people prefer wiggly over crisp, but I like mine crunchy and crackly. More accurately, I like it crisp, crunchy, crackly, and smothered in hot melty cheese.

Where was I?

Impending Blither

It’s almost upon us. Denial won’t do any good. The Ides of March have fallen and April Fool’s Day looms closer.

We can take a few moments if you’d like to enjoy a brief bit of panic.

Feeling better? While there are a number of different possible ways to deal with such things, I have chosen to embrace it. The manuscripts have been formatted and uploaded. Preparations have been made. Jingly hats lie in waiting. Very soon now, Blithering Genius will be unleashed upon the world.

We can take a few moments if you’d like to enjoy a brief bit of panic.

Are you finished? How else would you prefer to spend April Fool’s Day? There’s the usual descent into madness and nonsense: pranks, jokes, and politics. Instead, it seems to me that nothing really encapsulates the essence of the day more than a new Bubba book. Do you hear the sound of mad cackling, crashing universes, and the scritching of tiny legs? Look at the clock. Time is running out. April Fool’s Day is almost upon us.

We can take a few moments if you’d like to enjoy a brief bit of panic.

Blithering Art

 

 

I am not an artist, nor do I play one on TV. In fact, my artistic pursuits stalled at fingerpainting. Even then, much of my work required substantial interpretation and creative viewing before the images could be recognized. For all of the Kindergarten art critics out there, dinosaurs, cows, dogs, houses, flying cars and three headed people look amazingly similar if you view them from the right perspective.

Anyway, I’ve created a draft of a cover for Blithering Genius featuring the titular evil genius and its human host. So, for those who are anticipating the new book or who regard my artwork with morbid fascination, here’s the initial cover. (Yes, it might change before the book is released.) I warned you.

Blithering Genius